I know I used to have it..

something written:
"And I already struggle to remember someone who claims to have been a friend. How much of my life has been THAT insignificant that within years I've all but abolished their presence in my memory? "

something wrote:

It is entirely.. astounding.. disturbing.. self ..indulging? to re reread what has been written.
im stunned.
im surprised livejournal still exists.
still drinking.
still listening to the postal service.

still unable to formulate sentences logically. not how i feel them. not how i think them.
still unable to hold on to thoughts long enough to get them typed.
still wanting.
not in california
but in reno nevada.

still faking smiles.
still unsure of bipolar or life.
still knowing that it is right now, 9:05 pm. but not 9:05 pm everywhere.

still feeling like i have no friends,
but now I have the proof.
by my own devices

and still boring myself.

[a visit to the past leaves me only knowing the future is inevitable. how sad that we have lost all we were. but who were we in the first place. every path is an adventure. every path will leave us missing out on another. who was to know which one we should have chosen? who was to know we wouldnt be allowed to choose.]

1st i must say the song in your eyes is fantastic.

moving along.
this isnt so much a post as it is saving this. its about gone with the wind. for some reason this is amazing to me. i wish something in our generation, no matter how simple, could bring such a reaction. I want something good.

On September 9, 1939, Selznick, his wife Irene Mayer Selznick, investor Jock Whitney, and film editor Hal Kern drove out to Riverside, California with all of the film reels to preview it before an audience. The film was still unfinished at this stage, missing many optical effects and most of Max Steiner's music score. They arrived at the Fox Theatre, which was playing a double feature of Hawaiian Nights and Beau Geste. Kern called for the manager and explained that they had selected his theatre for the first public screening of Gone with the Wind. He was told that after Hawaiian Nights had finished, he could make an announcement of the preview, but was forbidden to say what the film was. People were permitted to leave, but the theatre would thereafter be sealed with no re-admissions and no phone calls out. The manager was reluctant, but finally agreed. His only request was to call his wife to come to the theatre immediately. Kern stood by him as he made the call to make sure he did not reveal the name of the film to her.

When the film began, there was a buzz in the audience when Selznick's name appeared, for they had been reading about the making of the film for over two years. In an interview years later, Kern described the exact moment the audience realized what was happening:

When Margaret Mitchell's name came on the screen, you never heard such a sound in your life. They just yelled, they stood up on the seats...I had the [manually-operated sound] box. And I had that music wide open and you couldn't hear a thing. Mrs. Selznick was crying like a baby and so was David and so was I. Oh, what a thrill! And when "Gone with the Wind" came on the screen, it was thunderous!

so i was just reading a random livejournal.
not random. someone i used to know.
and if per chance he reads this

pertaining to a stereolab cd you lost:
i think you left at least one stereolab cd at my house, as well as a karate cd.

i dont think i know anyone else who knows those bands. but maybe it isnt yours.and maybe you will never read this. but just in case, there it is.


Selling mattresses is getting stressful. I'm making a lot of money [save this last paycheck for no good reason] and doing retardedly well.
This past week or two though has just been problem after problem. I need to pay more attention.

Also, if whoever left the last comment on my profile could tell me who they are I would appreciate it. Just curious.

Reno is boring me. I cant wait to go back to whereever whenever.

Maybe instead of buying couches I should save up and buy plane tickets to kentucky then new york then europe and blow everything i saved.

at what age did we stop climbing on to roof tops to say nothing and everything.
i miss living life just to meet as many people as possible.
when did the concept of living take a back seat to simply existing?

ive traveled across the damn country.
i certainly havent chosen the easy way to grow up.

"these hands. they look like big, strong hands. i used to think so."
-the never ending story.

this livejournal has gone downhill.
i think it started at the top though.
i dont remember much of a climb.

ihatealomsteverybodythatexistsandifyouareoffendedthaniprobablydontknowyouwhichmeansthatyouaresomeonecompletelyrandomreadingmymyspace.ifidoknowyouthanyouprobablywerentoffendedandhaventreadthisfar.ifyouhavereadthisfar,andforsomereasonhadtoscrolltodosoinsteadofljautomaticallyloopingmywordsdown,imsorry.andifitloopedmywordsdownautomaticallypretendineversaidthat.

to those who measure friendship in time and distance
and forget in time and distance
to those who measure quality in cups
and take its quantity in shots
i exit your party
without grace.

i feel like im falling apart at the seams.


i dont know if this is bipolar crazy activity
or pms.

im hoping the latter.

because i seriously feel like im loosing it.    

im not lonely.
just bored.

california...
i've lived the dream.
i picked up and moved to the coast.

not as "wow" as someone who was born in noplace and moved to somewhere.
i moved from somewhere
so a lesser known somewhere

to noplace....
but this noplace has a stigma.

what trickery.
ill discover the cool elsewhere i suppose.
until then?

the coffee creamer i bought is damn tasty.   

i'll be warm thinking about you tonight

goodnight to you
though you may never know.

Step one

i moved to california. drove here.

step two

my car broke down in fuckall new mexico.
after two days of a variety of death syndromes mixed with PMS i got a new one.

so i am now financing a 04 alantra [red] named Squidget.
[pronounced like bridget, but with a squid instead of a brid. etc.]

finally made it so southern cali. murrieta, to be exact.
and im bored.
need job.
money.
life.
etc.

but i have apartment.
and i have guitar hero.

i think im getting fired from comedy caravan.

im so incredibly blank right now. Tom called me earlier to tell me that he made some adjustments and i didnt have to come in tonight. Ive been trying to get in contact with kerri all day but she isnt att he office and isnt answering her phone.
i didnt do anything worth getting fired. If i am than its a really shady situation and if i knew how unemployment works im sure i could collect it. but there is honestly no legal reason to fire me except that brittany wants my hours and she is friends with tom and the fact that im leaving anyway.
but i dont have enough money to get to california yet. i dont know how im gonna make it if i dont have the job.i want to just leave right now. i want to take out whatever money i do have and just go. anywhere.
im really not responding well do this. im so blank. that really scares me more than anything right now is the fact that im not mad or really upset. nothing is real anymore.

i cant seem to link sentences together anymore.
sex and the city sometimes gets on my nerves.
i hated it for so long
then got addicted
and now?
i dont know.

amy was supposed to call me earlier
didnt.
then did.
then canceled any potential plans with the idea of indiana bound
and then called
to redirect
and return to louisville
and an hour later
has not called back.

i dont know what ot make of anything these days.

but i keep getting these terrible stomach aches
not sick stomach aches
fear and stress and worry and random
im sure that cant be good.

and my gums?
they keep bleeding. and hurting.
i dont understand.
i brush multi regularly.
and i brush them
which makes them bleed more
.
this is a new thing. and its not fun.
im afraid ill die of gumbloodloss   

puking people are funny [when they arent puking on you.]  
             

i really need to stop listening to the cure.

iiiiiiiiiiiim moving to california.
socal.
holler.

in august.
if you wanna chat about this
516-662-5674

making a work schedule is difficult.

lucky i like difficult.

ok.
lsat night?
left over crack show. how funny. good and fun.
me? in the pit. attack.
my lip? totally fat lip.

outside though.
right.
i dont know loud people. for no reason.
and this guy was a dickhead.
and so was i.
so i was screaming at him.
this is not waht my friends wanted me to do.
i was abit more oblivious than they were.
because he did exactly what they thought he would.
pushed right past me in search of the nearst boy that would claim to be with me.
how... macho.

so. all of the sudden everyone is running around.
the riots. oh the riots.
i think i was the only person who brought it to fistacuffs.
some other guy. i dont know where he came from. or why we got into it.
but he pushed me in a decent shove type way. ..
i think i mugged him twice.
i definately hit him in a girly way in the face though. and it was definately funny. we actually shook hands a few minutes later and decided to try to figure out what to do with the rest of the chaos i started.

it was broken up. peope scattered and got bored.
the original douchbag ran away, much to my amusement.
sam was not completely convinced that this was okay though.
loandbehold.
douchebag reemerges, shirtless.
i personaly want to kill his friend who appears to be calling other people.
as this guy is "talking" to sam.
its late. we all want to leave.
sam settles it.
i still want to kill the friend.

i dont know.
quit the night, all in all.

you only had to take back your tired excuses just prove me wrong its too late now its useless when the catalyst is the explosion whose fooling who no build up to the break up im over with you.

you make me feel helpless.
and i wish i could say that i would not wait around for you forever.
but the more time goes on
and any time i do hear from you

the more i think
i will be there
or here
or anywhere
that you say
you will be
you want me to be.

this surpasses all feelings of pathetic.
ill sacrifice dignity
give up excuses
ill let you break me down
over and over again.

im not sure this will ever be over
i hope it never is.

and for every complication she recievs another
and her biggest decision is not
which to appeal to first.

but if any are even a problem.

or for that matter

unwelcomed.